Outside and inside secrets
by Dina
Summary: A sequel to The Secrets of NCIS. Secrets are now destroying someone's life. Can NCIS do something to help that person? Who or what are keeping secrets? The first time I posted this story it didn't show up.
1. Nanny

It starts around 3 years after The Secrets of NCIS (TSON). It's November 2008. Everything that I wrote in the last paragraph in last chapter of TSON applies here.

Emma Carlsson belongs to me. The other agents I created do too.

This story is a lot different from my other NCIS stories maybe. It's not the sequel I was thinking about but something I experienced inspired me and I needed to write to feel better so this story just popped up. I should warn people that some may think it is too graphic.

You should probably be over 15 years old too read this.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

………………………_.Flashback…………………_

_A woman knocked on the door. A man opened holding a baby on his arm._

"_I guess you're Emma Carlsson." The man said to her._

"_Yes. Are you Anthony Dinozzo?"the woman asked._

"_No. I'm his friend David. This is my daughter Ashley." The man told her._

"_Oh."_

"_Please come in. They are so sorry that they couldn't be here. They are working. Tony and Kate said they hoped to be home later tonight." David explained._

"_I know they have a demanding job. I understand." Emma told him._

"_There is something else. Their kids are in the living room. My wife works with them too and I'm supposed to catch a flight to New York tonight so do you mind watching all three kids until they come back? I know you're tired and it is short notice." David pleaded._

"_I fully understand. I was warned that things like this could happen. Let me just put my bags in my room and then I'll start." Emma told him._

_David showed Emma her room and then he was off to the airport._

………………………

"_Hi kids. It's been a long day for me so I hope you can understand. I came all the way from Sweden. I'm an au-pair but maybe I should say nanny. I'll be here for a year and I hope we will all get a long." Emma told them. She knew they didn't understand but she was just glad they didn't seem scared of her. Children could sometimes get really scared meeting someone new for the first time._

_--------------End of flashback----------------------_

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

…………………….At NCIS on the 25th of November…………………

"So have you found out more about her? All you say is that she doesn't like to talk much about herself and she takes driving lessons on her free time." Abby wondered.

"We've all tried and I guess we need to respect her privacy. She is doing a great job and that is all that matters." Kate told her.

"She is taking care of my daughter five days a week. I would want to know what's going on." Abby explained.

"We hid a camera for a week to see if she did something bad and we saw nothing. The kids seem happy and we should be happy. Emma is happy too. She can work anytime which suits us very well and her. It wasn't my idea to let her take care of Ashley during the weekdays," Kate stated. She had always thought it had been a good idea and Emma wanted to do it to get some money for her driving lessons so it was a win-win situation for everyone.

"It was David's I know. I'm just worried because she isn't so experienced." Abby told her.

"Neither were we when we got our children but we learned. She is 27 years old so she had some life experience as well. Her references were good too. She has some day care experience which shouldn't be forgotten. We wanted someone who had another perspective on life. She is well educated and a very caring person. Open minded and loving." Kate further said. Kate had talked to Emma on the phone several times before the decision was finally made.

"A degree in law not in childcare. It seems strange for such an old person to take a job like this." Abby wondered.

"She hasn't committed any crime. We've checked that. She hasn't any connections to terrorists. She's safe. Emma hardly goes out. All we see her do is watch TV and go on the internet. Sometimes she goes for long walks. She's new to this country. It's a long way from Sweden to the USA." Kate said. They had discussed this several times before but Abby still wasn't sure this was right but Emma had baby sat Ashley since July and fully taken care of during the weekdays since September. Abby was just glad Ashley would start day care in January if everything worked out.

"We have to work. We can talk more later." Kate told her.

……………………………Later that day………………………

As usual Abby drove home to Kate's and Tony's to pick up Ashley. David was working late today so he couldn't pick her up as planned. As usual everything was fine with Ashley.

"I'm going out tonight. I hope it's alright." Emma then said.

"When you'll be home?" Tony asked.

"I don't know. I'll call or send a text message when I know." Emma continued.

"Ok. Are you eating dinner with us first?" Kate wondered.

"I thought I would. Dinner is ready so just say when you want to eat." Emma told them before going to her room.

"That's nice of her to make dinner." Abby stated.

"She does that sometimes. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and she said she wanted to do it since tomorrow we'll have a lot to do." Kate told her friend.

"I better go now. So I'll see you tomorrow then." Abby told her. Kate and Abby had decided to celebrate Thanksgiving together so tomorrow both families would cook and hang out. Gibbs had promised to stop by as well. All the other agents had other plans on Thanksgiving.

…………………………….The following morning at 6.55 AM………………

Emma opened the door and slowly walked in. She didn't want to wake anybody up. She had called yesterday and told them she wouldn't come home until tomorrow morning. It was just as living at home with her parents she thought but these people didn't care as much only that she came home in time. That was how she wanted it to be.

Then she heard someone walking upstairs. Emma stood still. She was glad her room was downstairs. Hopefully they wouldn't hear when she walked to her room.

"Emma, is that you?" Kate asked.

"Yes."

Then Kate went down.

"Jessie woke up so I was with her. So are things alright?" Kate wondered.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just going to change and eat breakfast. I know we have a lot to do today." Emma quickly answered nervous.

"You don't sound so good. Are you sure you're alright? We can talk if you want?" Kate suggested.

"I'm fine. Go back to sleep. I see you later." Emma said before quickly going to her room.

When she came back out again she saw Kate sitting by the kitchen table.

"So what do you want to talk about?" Kate wondered. She didn't want to let go of this and right now her urge to ask her about what was really going on had become enormous. Kate felt something big probably may have happened and since Emma lived under their roof she wanted to know what. Kate cared for Emma just like any friend would do.

"My life isn't your problem. I want to warn you. It's hard to hear." Emma then told her a little harshly. She didn't want to tell her but deep down inside she had always wished for someone she could tell everything for but she knew the consequences it would have if she told Kate about her past. She could get fired and Emma didn't want that.

"I know but I don't want you to be unhappy either." Kate pushed even harder.

"It's not going to affect my work. I'm professional. I always put the kids first." Emma told her trying to make her see that this wouldn't interfere with her job.

"You put everyone first and yourself last. I've noticed that. In the long run it isn't healthy." Kate explained.

"So do you want to hear my story? Why even though I had a degree I fled from Sweden?" Emma asked her.

"Probably." Kate answered but after hearing the tone Emma said it in, she wasn't as sure any more.

Emma sat down next to her.

………………………………………………………………………………………………


	2. Emma's secrets

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

"I know a lot about how people see me. I have many times wondered why you picked me as your nanny. Such an old woman who had a law degree in her home country. A woman with not much experience with children. You picked me because I'm safe. The biggest reason you picked me is that I'm not good looking and wouldn't be a threat to your husband. I'm fine with that. I've known all my life I'm safe, ugly, caring and a very nice person." Emma started before taking a little pause to continue. She had a lot to say and wanted her voice to be strong enough to say it all. Also it was very difficult for her to say this because it brought bad memories back.

"You're not ugly. You're a great person who I like a lot. I can confess that when you sent me your picture I did think about how you looked. Tony did too. I won't lie on that. We both talked to you on the phone, we liked the profile you wrote on the agency's website and the overall picture we got of you was great. That's why we hired you." Kate said defending herself a bit.

"I lost my virginity when I was 24 to a very fat guy in a car. Before last night it was the only time I had sex. I didn't enjoy it the first time and the second time wasn't better either. I hoped it would be but it wasn't. I never learned how to interact with guys and what love is. That is something I'll never learn." Emma said sadly. She had always felt that she lost out in life. Things which happened to everyone never happened to her especially the good things. For once she wanted to feel normal and not judge by her appearance. The internet was her safe haven and the kids were that too. They only cared how good she took care of them not how she looked like or the flaws she had in her personality.

"Wow…so that is what you did." Kate said feeling a bit embarrassed. Emma told her so much and maybe it was a bit too much she thought. This was personal and she knew she had overstepped her boundary. Emma looked at her and knew she had to explain much more to make her understand. She didn't want her to see her as a freak although many times she felt like one.

"It's only the beginning. Both times I had sex was because I knew I had to do it. I never thought I would lose my virginity. I was dead set on that and somehow that guy come a long. I've always done things which have been expected out of me. A woman in my age should have had sex several times and I didn't want to die a virgin or rather a woman like me shouldn't die a virgin. Yesterday I went to a bar to try to see if I had feelings in me. I feel that I'm numb. Like I will never ever be able to like or love someone. You should love your friends but I'm not sure I do. I know that it is important to have friends so the few I got I do my best to keep. You should love your family. I think I love my parents but I also think I hate them even more for everything they've put me and my siblings through. I want what is best for my siblings and maybe that means I love them too. I've always done what is right. Helped my parents, taken care of my siblings and helped them, gone to school and be nice. It just didn't make my life better. I always heard that if you graduate from university you get a good job and have a good life. My dad is black and from Jamaica and my mother white from Sweden. I'm a brown skinned woman, who is short, seen as a little fat and not worth much on the job market. My social skills are nil. The guy last night just was so drunk that he got the courage to ask me to follow him home. I said yes. I told him I had to get home early in the morning and he said that if I wanted some more action I could call. I won't call him…My breasts are so big that they make me look even uglier. I can't help they grew so much but I think the risks are too big so I don't want to go through with an operation to make them smaller. People thought when I was 13 that my then five year old sister was my daughter. So big were my breasts back then. I was then around 150 cm and now I'm 155 cm ( I think that is around 5 feet). It hurt a lot. It was so hard to find clothes which could fit because of breast and little overweight and if I found something it was too expensive so we couldn't afford to buy it. My mother always thought she was most important. My father was the same. When we had very little money we bought things for her and everyone else had to wait until the next pay check came. Ciggarettes came first, alcohol for the times they wanted to drink at home which was every other weekend was way more important to us, money for them to go out and have a good time was more important than money for us when we needed things like money for school trips or new clothes…I became very good with money early on in my life. I was the oldest child and if I didn't take responsibility then who would? Not my parents anyway! I wanted to save money and always thought about what I spent my money on. My siblings came first and I had to beg for money which I needed for something important and the next I had to give it to my siblings because I wanted them not to suffer like me…It was too late for me but I always hoped it wasn't too late for them. They suffered but not as much as me.

My mother then blamed me for only thinking about money and said that there shouldn't be a price tag in my head for everything we do or buy. I couldn't help but to think that way because I wanted food on the table the next day. I'm still thinking like that today. I taught my siblings the value of money and many other things. It was the hardest decision I could make to leave them all alone in Sweden. My brother recently got his own apartment. That is a big step for him because he has had a troubled life and we never thought he could handle living alone. My sisters moved into my apartment now that I'm here. If they hadn't somewhere to stay then I wouldn't have come. I couldn't let them stay one second at home with my parents while I was here. All three depend a lot on me. To me it feels like they are more my kids than siblings…My sisters are twins but not identical. People often want to know that." Emma told her before taking another break. It was mentally exhausting to tell Kate this and she felt how her eyes got teary but the tears hadn't become big enough to run down her face. Emma had learn to keep so much inside of her that she seldom cried and she knew she wouldn't this time either.

"Why did you come?" Kate wondered. She heard how her voice sounded sad and she wondered if she would burst into tears any second now.

"I don't want to die without doing this. I don't want people to see me as the woman who did nothing in her life. I know I will never get a boyfriend, never get married and maybe not even kids but I don't want to have lived in vain." Emma continued.

"I think you have a good life. What are you going to do when you come back home? Some dreams must you have." Kate asked her. This was a woman who didn't feel she had some purpose in life and Kate felt that every person on this earth had exactly that, a purpose in life.

"When I'm 30 I'm going to come back here to get a sperm donation and get inseminated since single woman can't do so in Sweden. My biggest dream has always been to get married and have four children. If I will at least have one I'm happy. I just want to leave something behind. Show people that I'm more than they think of me now. Raise my child much better than my parents ever did even if we will be poor and I'm a single mother. I took this job to prove to everyone I can take care of children, live in another country and try to conquer my fear of killing someone when I'm driving. I'm too caring that it stops me from learning how to drive…I also know that even telling people bits of my story they think it is too much and feel sorry for me. Just as you feel now. "Emma said to her. Emma was an expert on knowing how people may react especially on what she says.

She had so much love in her soul but never had she got the chance to really share it with someone or know how it feels to be really loved. Kate felt sorry for her even though that was what Emma didn't want her to feel like.

Kate thought it was a lot to take in.

"Isn't it good to have told one person?"

"Not if that makes people feel uneasy and sad. I hate making people feel sad. I know how bad it feels to feel unhappy…" Emma then said. She knew telling people would only maker her feel good for a little while and then everyone would be back to normal.

"You shouldn't think that way."

"Don't tell your husband. It's enough that you know." Emma pleaded.

…………………………A few hours later………………….

"Why does it feel so tense here?" Abby asked Kate.

"Emma finally opened up to me. She had a lot on her mind. I understand her better but she made me promise not to tell Tony." Kate explained.

"Isn't that hard? Couples shouldn't have secrets." Abby told her.

"I know. I told Emma that so she said I could tell Tony the short version of her story and Tony ok with that. Emma said I could tell you too. I'll tell you when it isn't so crazy here." Kate told Abby.


	3. Snatch

………………………………..January 5th 2009……………………..

…………………..In the morning………………….

"I want to thank you all for being so nice to me. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's were so great. I don't think I've shown my appreciation as much as I should." Emma told them when Abby and David came by with Ashley. Tony and Kate heard her too.

"We know. We're just glad that you feel better." Abby told her. Emma had become happier since Kate said she would help her feel better of herself. Her sprit had become more joyful and especially her driving skills had improved immensely.

"Kids say bye to your parents" Emma said helping the children wave goodbye.

The parents waved goodbye.

………………………………..Later that day………………………………………

"Tony, the alarm has gone off." Kate said worried. The alarm went directly to Tony, Kate, Abby, David and the police. It was something they had given to Emma in case something would happen to them. Being NCIS agents meant that you and your family couldn't be sure to be safe all the time.

Tony looked up from his desk.

"Which alarm?" Tony said. He had his in his jacket on vibrating mode so he didn't feel it since he hadn't his jacket on. He had his mind on other things when Kate told him.

"The one we gave Emma if something really bad happened to the kids. We need to get Abby." Kate said worried.

……………………………….At the park……………………………..

"If you and the kids want to stay alive then you'll come with us." Suddenly a man told her showing her the gun he hid behind his jacket.. Emma had helped put on Ashley's hat again so she didn't notice how four men came up to her and now surrounded her and the kids. She saw no way out. Emma looked around and saw that there were others in the park too. She wasn't going to give in that easy. The children depended on her and so did their parents. As long as the children went unharmed Emma didn't care what happened to her.

"Let me go. Let the kids go. Help!" Emma yelled as much as she could. Everyone in the park started to watch her and the four men who surrounded Emma, Matthew, Jessica and Ashley.

One guy took up a gun. People saw it and started to run and call after the police. Emma fought as hard as she could. She kicked one guy in his sensitive area and another one in his stomach. Police sirens were heard and the guys got shocked. Two of them ran back to their van and the other two decided to just take Emma at first. A few people had run up to them since they were now only two people threatening Emma and the children. They did it because they wanted the children to be safe. The van drove closer to Emma and the kids. The other two men tried to take the kids but Emma fought even more because she knew it wouldn't be too long until the police came. She knew every second was important. All three kids were in the special made carriage for four children so Emma knew that as long as no one picked any of the kids up they would be safe. She fought so hard that the men decided to shove Emma in the van. The police sirens became really loud so the driver of the van pressed the gas pedal and drove out of the park leaving the children all alone.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Tony called the police who told them to head to the park. The police had already given the kids to the child protective services and wanted some proof that they were the children's real parents. After a long conversation with the police and child protective services they got their children back but by then valuable time had been lost. Emma was still missing. Who took her? Who wanted to take their children?

…………………………………With the kidnappers……………………………………….

"Please, don't harm me…Don't kill me…"Emma cried a little while pleading. She was sitting on the cold basement floor. The four men stood around her.

"You put up a big fight. We failed. Our plan backfired because of you. We know the agents don't care about you. They would never put as much effort into finding you as they would if we had their kids. They would never do as we said just because we've kidnapped you. You mean nothing to us. Killing you is so easy. First we're going to at least make the best of the situation. Men have needs too." The ring leader told her.

Emma then knew what he meant. She felt like crying but the tears stopped coming. One of her defence mechanisms had kicked in and she hadn't felt like this for a long time, maybe when she was around twelve she thought…

One guy pushed her down on the floor. Another one started to take off her clothes. Emma fought hard but she was overpowered.

"Wow…I've never seen such big and ugly breasts. Did you come to the USA to get money to reduce their size? Too bad you'll never do that! If you did your body would still be the ugliest in the world!" the ring leader told her while he watched his men take advantage of her. He wanted to bring her down so she wouldn't put up a fight against them.

Soon Emma was lying there naked and the first guy positioned himself over her. While tears ran down her face the guys had sex with her and grabbed her breasts so hard that it hurt so much that she hadn't any tears left. Emma was glad and sad at the same time. She was glad that she had had such a tough life so she could handle this so well but sad that it still hurt so much.

"We should cut them off and play basketball with them. Save them as souvenirs." The first guy said when he lifted himself off her so the next guy could have sex with her.

Emma hurt all over her body and she wished that she would die. She stopped thinking about what was happening to her and just thought about this was how her life was going to end.

She wondered why she even listened to Kate. It was all wishful thinking. Life would never get better. If she survived people would want her to go to therapy for the rest of her life and she would be even further away from trying to fulfil her dreams. Emma rather died than live like that. Why was it that whenever she felt closer to feel better about herself something much worse happened? It was so unfair. She knew her siblings would be alright and her parents happy about raising such a wonderful daughter even though she never became truly happy. Emma knew her parents would think that her search for her happiness lead to her death. With that as her finale thought Emma felt someone hit her and then she slowly faded away.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

"We have to find her. She has done so much for us. We can't give up on her." Tony told Gibbs.

"You want us to take over the investigation! I thought it would be for the best if you three went away for a while like to Washington because someone wants to hurt you and NCIS again. I don't want to risk your safety. The rest will be here together with me. We'll find her. We'll find her kidnappers and help her through this." Gibbs told them but he wondered if she wasn't dead already.


	4. The truth

………………………Four months later Monday the 5th of May………………………

It was only 8.03 AM so no one in the office expected such an early visitor but unexpected things always happened at NCIS.

Two men stepped out from the elevator. Gibbs saw them and wondered who the two men in black suits were. He guessed either FBI or CIA but wanted to ask to be sure. Gibbs knew they were looking for him.

"We're looking for Mr and Mrs Dinozzo, Mrs McAllister and their boss Gibbs." One of the men said. Gibbs was quite surprised that his name was mentioned last. If it was about a case then they would have said his name first he thought. Then he thought that there was one case where they probably would have said his name last. He knew right then and there which case they wanted to talk about and which agency they belonged to.

"CIA I presume." Gibbs then said to them.

"You're correct. We're because of the Emma Carlsson case. I want everyone I mentioned to be present when we say what we have to say." The man continued.

"I'm calling her now." McGee quickly said talking about Abby.

Tony and Kate wondered what was going on. The team had worked with the case ever since she had gone missing but not as much as in the beginning. They never got any leads and Emma's body was never found. Everyone presumed she was dead but without finding the four who kidnapped her and get confirmation they could never be a 100 sure and that's why they still once a week kept working on the case. Tony, Kate and Abby all felt so guilty about what had happened to her. They couldn't let it go. Indirectly they killed someone. Killed someone just by association.

………………………………

A minute later Abby came.

"The CIA wants you off the case. Stop looking for her. You need to let go. Her family did so you should do the same. "The other man told them.

"We won't. Her family deserves a grave." Kate told them. She had always been the one who was most eager to continue the case.

"We have everything we found out about this case in this box. Things you've never got to see. I think it will help you move on. Even her family hasn't seen this and we don't intend to tell them what is in it either. I don't think they will handle it so well if they ever found out what really happened to Emma. You should first read the case files and what happened the last hours of her life. The kidnappers even videotaped what they did to her so that is how we know what happened to her. We haven't found her body and I don't think we will ever do so." The CIA agent continued.

"But if you have them on tape then you can identify them." Tony blurted out.

"Two of them became suicide bombers and blew up themselves two months ago in Washington. The other two were shot dead by us when we raided their home after the suicide bombs. That's were we found the video. It's the DVD in the box. I don't think it will help you if you watch it but maybe just knowing that you have it in your possession is enough to stop you from continuing the search."

"Why do you want us to stop searching?" Gibbs asked them.

"We're afraid we once again have leaks in the CIA, NCIS and FBI. If you continue to search more after them, which is basically OUR job then they'll think you know more than you really do and once again they will come after you. We know that is why they came after you in January. We also know that they now think you really don't know anything else so they are leaving you alone but if they change their minds…. They wouldn't know that. I mean that you know nothing… If there weren't any leaks. " The CIA agent stated. Then he put the box on Gibbs' desk and both of them left the office.

………………………………………………………………………………

Several hours later every agent had read through the case files. They read what they did to her. It was horrifying. CIA had written down everything which had happened on the video. After she woke up she had noticed the video camera. Not knowing what to do she sat there naked and cried while talking to the camera. Emma said that she hoped her family would know she loved them. The same with her friends. She said that it was no one's fault and she was strong enough to handle everything which was happening to her. Emma then said that she knew she would die soon and she wasn't afraid of dying. Her life had never really given her anything worth living for so why be sad for dying. Emma just hoped that she had given her siblings a better childhood than she had and that they were prepared much better for life than she ever was. Love was out there somewhere and with the tools of life she had taught them she hoped they would find it. It was too late in her case to ever embrace and use the tools right no matter if this had happened or not.

Then came the part which Tony, Kate and Abby took the hardest. They read it and they all wanted to see if for themselves. CIA had been nice enough to write out in the transcript where each minute of the tape started in the text. Everyone in the team, all seven of them headed to the lab to see that part.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"_To NCIS…It's not your fault. I know you'll find my murderers. If you don't then the murderers will watch this and laugh at my stupidity. Either way I'm dead. Emma Julia Anna Carlsson will be dead when anyone sees this. I want people to know that the Dinozzos really helped me to feel happy about myself. They showed me that you can really find true love. Abby showed me that too. In my emails to my sisters I told them that. Jenny and Sandra will one day find true love. I never got the chance to tell my sisters what I would have named my daughter if I ever got one. I'm still following the family tradition which is that the third name is the mother's first name. Jacqueline Caitlin Emma Carlsson…My son would probably have the name Matthew Daniel Johan Carlsson…I've always loved the name Matthew but you knew it already. As twisted as it sounds I can't help but to hope one of the men got me pregnant. Then at least one of the dreams I had came true." Emma said to the camera._

"_What are you doing?" a man then yelled. He had come into the room and Emma hadn't noticed it. He hit her on the head and she fell down on the floor. There was already blood on the floor but you could see how a stream of blood came from her head. Then the man started to have sex with her. _

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

Then the tape ended. That was the last thing on the tape.

"If she would have survived she would never ever be the same again. Mentally she would be crushed. Having several men do such horrible things to her in just a few hours. You could hear that she had already lost it when she said that she hoped they had got her pregnant." McGee told them. He was brutally honest but it was hard looking at that.

"You didn't know her as I did…She knew she would die and just the little hope of dying while one of her dreams got fulfilled gave her peace. Why is that so hard to understand?" Kate said angry. Kate and Emma had had some deep talks and Kate regretted that they hadn't been longer but there was never time to. Other things kept coming in the way.

"I think we should let it go. Her kidnappers are dead and we will never find her body." Gibbs told them while he took out the disc from the computer. He then went back to his desk and put it in the box. Slowly one after one came back out to the office.

"You should go home. Pick up your children from day care and spend time with them." Gibbs told them. After seeing this you should appreciate life more and it has been a long day.

"The rest can finish up too. After this I understand that you need some time to process this." Gibbs said to them. He looked at them go home one after one. Abby who was five months pregnant took this very hard. He knew she was emotional because of her pregnancy but now this could make her so sad that he didn't want that. He wanted her to feel well. McGee who had just got married a month ago got hurt too by this. Everyone had met Emma and knew she was a lovely innocent person who shouldn't have died. She didn't deserve dying that way.


	5. Unbeliavable revelation

…………………..Monday the 13th of May…………………………………

It was just 8 AM in the morning when the two men from the CIA once again stepped into the room. They slowly went up to the team. Everyone was there even Abby so the agents felt they could show them what they wanted to show them.

"We didn't expect you again." Gibbs told them.

"We didn't know we would be back. We're glad you stopped looking into the case because there is another case we want you to look into. The case of Ellie Hart." One of the CIA agents told them.

"Who is she?" Gibbs wondered.

Then the two men both took a few steps to the side. Behind them they revealed a woman.

"I'm Ellie Hart and 35 years old. You guys know me by another name. I want to get that name and age back. I came here for help." Ellie told them.

"OMG…Emma!" Kate said shocked.

"I'm alive…I thought you wanted to know…My family and friends all know I'm in witness protection and that they can't contact me. They are hurting so much because of that. Especially my siblings. I agreed to do this witness thing as long as my family was taken care of. It was I who identified the suicide bombers when they were walking around in Washington. They would have killed more people if I hadn't identified them and if the police hadn't warned people and ran after the terrorists. No one knows I'm still alive and I want to keep it that way for the time being. Just until you catch the ones who are after me and you." Emma explained.

"I can't believe you're alive." Abby said going up to her. Emma/Ellie then took a few steps back.

"I don't want you to hug me. It's not because you're pregnant but for a long time I wanted to kill you all. I did blame you." Ellie told them.

"I can't blame you for that." Tony told her.

"I don't anymore. Since the CIA rescued me it has been a very long uphill battle. I think I'm over the worst now. I'm glad they rescued the same day it happened because I wouldn't be alive then." Ellie told them.

"The same day…Why didn't we get notified?" Kate asked upset.

"The risks…The leaks…We just couldn't…Emma is just Ellie now. Accept that." One of the agents quickly answered.

"Why did you come here? Why couldn't the CIA investigate your case?" Gibbs asked.

"We got stuck! We thought that if you read through it all maybe you'll see something we missed. You know a lot about them so with your knowledge maybe we can find the ones who are financing them and helping them establish contact here in this country and in other countries. Ellie will help if she can. She heard a lot and saw a lot too during her capture." One CIA agent said.

"Emma…I mean Ellie, something is different with you." Kate noticed.

"I had to undergo several plastic surgeries. It was all against my wishes. They reduced the size of my breasts because of the damages but I think so I would get less recognised. I probably never can breastfeed. It is also highly unlikely I can have children because of what happened. I didn't get any brain damages. Therapy is also going well. I lost some weight, they did some skin treatment so my facial skin looks better with less zits and scars from the zits, acne and beatings. You can hardly see them now… I'm Ellie Hart the rich writer who likes to be alone. I don't like that so I want to become Emma again. I want to clarify some things that I know you're thinking about. My therapist thinks it is ok for me to visit you. The day I got kidnapped I became Ellie and I'm determined to let her die and become Emma again. I fought hard to be able to meet you again. I needed to meet you to move on. Even if you can't find something in my case then I'm still not letting go of the idea of taking back my life. I don't hold a grudge on any of you. Don't feel bad about what happened to me. It wasn't your fault. You'll never see me again. At least not until I'm Emma again…If that will happen one day. Have a good life everyone!" Ellie said before turning around. She went to the elevator, pushed the button, waited for it to come, went in, turned around and looked at them as the doors closed. Doing this had been one of the hardest things she had to do in the last few months.

The CIA agents stood there.

"Why didn't you go with her?" McGee asked.

"She'll wait in the car. We don't have to be with her 24/7 and she doesn't like that either. She is becoming a bit like the person we told her to be. Ellie hates that but can't do anything about it. She is writing a book about her ordeal. It is helping her very much. She knows she can never publish it so don't worry. As long as some CIA agents read her chapters she is happy." One of the agents explained.

"How is she coping? I saw she tried to put on a brave face but inside she must be all torn up." Tony wondered.

"After she left the hospital she stayed in her bed for a week or so. She refused to go up, talk to anyone, didn't want to eat…Basically she didn't want to do anything. We had to help her with everything. No one could get through to her. Ellie got a therapist but no one thought she even listened to what the therapist said the first week. One day she got up and demanded a computer. She wrote, slept, rested, wrote some more, slept and rested…Two days later she was ok with talking to the therapist…In April all her siblings celebrated their birthdays and she got really upset for missing them. She started to talk about becoming Emma again. No matter what we did she didn't stop. We hoped giving you the case would stop her from pursuing this impossible dream. As soon as we told her what we did she demanded to see you. Ellie has a lot of willpower and my bosses said yes to her request. I guess they did it so she would stay in the witness protection programme and help us out. No one knows what Ellie wants. I don't think she knows either. What she did want she can never have. Ellie stopped going to her therapist two weeks ago. We don't want anything to happen to her so we try to fulfil her requests."

"She'll commit suicide otherwise, right?" McGee asked.

"She has never said that. We don't even know if she has implied that but we can't risk it. Now you know the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Deep down inside Ellie is still Emma. I think that is why she did this. She wants you to move on too. We don't have any hopes of you finding out something new. You don't have to do anything really. Ellie will never find out anyway. We have to go." The agent told them.

"Did she learn to drive?" Kate asked.

"We're still trying. Once the car broke down because she got scared and didn't know if it was the clutch, gas or break she should press. Overheated the car or something. We had to call a tow truck and then we walked home. Another time a dog ran out in front of the car and she drove straight into a tree. We were in a forest just to be sure that she couldn't kill someone but still a dog showed up out of nowhere. Ellie hasn't given up yet. She even insisted on laser eye surgery so it would be easier for her to see things. I don't think it has helped yet because it is hard to see improvement in her driving." The agent answered.

"You've drove with her a lot haven't you?" Kate asked. She sensed that the agent had done so.

"A lot. I'm one of the few who still has the courage to do so. I can't help but to feel sorry for her. She tried so hard to make her life better and everything backfired. I think that learning how to drive is the last thing she can do and it isn't working either. Everyone who protects her knows it is eating herself up inside. We who are protecting her read so much about her, her therapist talked to us, all the background info which was available was given to us and it was still so hard to imagine how much this is hurting her until you met her for the first time…That's why I hope this will never ever happen to another single person in this world." The agent continued.

"Try giving her a hug every time before you drive with her. I think it will work." Kate suggested. She thought that it must have been ages anyone hugged her and that she hadn't been hugged much in her life.

"She won't let people close to her." The other agent said.

"Don't give up on her. If she gets her driving license I think she'll be happier. Drive every day with her." Kate suggested. From the bottom of her heart she wanted to do something for Ellie.

"We really need to go." The nice agent said.

"What's your name?" Tony asked.

"I'm Adam Craig and this is Chris Becker." The nice agent said.

Then they both quickly left the office. A big void was felt in the room.

"He seemed nice but too bad he had a wedding ring on him." Tony then said.

"You noticed that?" Becky asked.

"I checked out of habit. One of my skills. I'm an NCIS agent." Tony said. Then Gibbs wacked him in the head and Tony didn't understand why. Then Gibbs left the office going the way which lead to MTAC.

"Why did he do that?" Tony asked while touching the back of his head.

"Frustration…Maybe he wanted you to see that they weren't totally truthful but you only concentrated yourself on the ring." Tom answered before going back to his desk.

"I don't know Tony…Maybe it is just the whole case and you just said the wrong thing in the wrong time." Abby suggested.

"That's probably right." Kate ensured him.

"We all agree." McGee continued.

………………………………………………………………

"I've never seen such a destroyed person in my whole life. There's no Emma left in her. She can never get Emma back. Never get her dreams back. Never fulfil them. I feel so awful." Abby said breaking the silence which had after a while filled the room.

"She was so hollow." Becky said.

"Scary hollow…Like a ghost…A sad ghost…" Andy continued.

"She's unlucky…To me she seemed like a person who could drain the life energy out of anyone. Just look at how we all are now. Personally I'm glad we won't meet her again." Tom said.

"How can you say that? That's so mean!" Tony told him. He thought it was totally the wrong thing to say.

"Take an early break everyone." Gibbs ordered. He felt that something bad could happen between Tom and Tony and he didn't want that to happen.

Tony and Kate went to the cafeteria with Abby and McGee.

"I know this sounds strange to you but I really think she needs a hug. All she ever wanted was to be in a relationship with a man. If a man gave her a hug without wanting anything back then it would mean the world to her. Baby steps to getting her well again." Kate told them.

"You got a point Kate…I'm just wondering if it is too late." Abby wondered.

"It's up to her to make that decision. I'm wondering if there is really a man out there who would want to be with her after everything she's been through. It doesn't seem likely. Just as unlikely as to one of the CIA agents would hug her." McGee stated.

"The situation is so hopeless. I feel hopeless. I wish there was something I could do." Tony told them. He felt what Kate felt. They were married so they now shared pain too.

Everyone looked blank because they knew there was nothing they could do.

"All we can do is to never let this happen again. I don't want anymore destroyed lives on my conscience." Kate told them.

They all nodded. Then they went back to work.

……………………….A month later……………………………..

Kate got an email.

"Ellie got her driving licence. She drove everyday, aced the written exam and barely passed the practical exams but she got it. She'll drive every day until she is ready to be in traffic.

The hug idea worked." Kate read to everyone.

"I guess we know who sent the email then." Abby stated. It was Adam Craig.

"The sensitive agent who really got touched by her story." Kate said with a smile.

"Too bad he's married." Tony then said.

"I guess I was wrong about CIA agents." McGee stated.


	6. Men's wishes

…………………Thursday the 8th of August 2009………………….

Gibbs was worried about what he would tell the team. He knew he would do his job and the team would too but this time he wanted them to do the worst job as possible. Gibbs knew there wasn't anything he could do or say to make them do that but most importantly he knew he couldn't do anything which made them suspect he wanted them to do a poor job. He hated how this case was affecting him and the team. Kate, Tony, McGee and Abby had all come back this Monday from their vacations. Becky had had an early vacation in June while Tom was on his now but coming back on Monday. Andy was saving his for this autumn. As that wasn't enough Abby was only at work this week to teach the person who was going to fill in for her during her maternity leave the ropes around the lab. He wished that it had been this week she would start to stay home to get ready for the delivery and baby. Gibbs hated to spring this kind of news on her and the rest especially since he knew something the rest didn't. Something he couldn't share with the others but wondered if it would help the case if he did. The case was a lot complicated than it first appeared and he didn't even know all the facts but he had the chance to get to know more than any other person had so far. He wanted to know but his source didn't want to tell him everything.

………………………………

"Today we have a new case. It's once again the Ellie Hart case. Two weeks ago the security surrounding her was going to start to be a lot less than usual. They thought the threat had become smaller. Ellie opposed this and she got a two week extension. Last Friday someone tried to kill Ellie and the two agents who guarded her. No one got serious hurt and the three men who attacked them all got killed. Ellie killed one of them and the agents the other two. Ellie had never killed someone before but she had been taught how to use a gun and where they were hidden in the house. Ellie got really worried when it was no proof of forced entry. She accused the CIA of wanting her dead and that the leaks were closer than they actually thought since they could find out where she was. On Saturday she packed her bags, drove off with her car, left her car, took out some money and left the town as fast as possible. No one can find her and the CIA want our help since we know her. We will get all the information they have on the attack. I'm sending Ducky to examine the bodies so NCIS can get a full view of the case. I know there is something we don't know here because I don't think Ellie would take off like that just because someone tried to kill her. We need to find out what else happened! That's why I'm going with Kate to interrogate the agents in Washington tomorrow. We'll leave early in the morning and are expected back in the evening. CIA is working on this too and no one thinks she is in immediate danger since not even the terrorists know where she is right now so we won't be working during the weekend." Gibbs explained to them. He saw how everyone's face expressions changed from happy to worried the more he told them. Now they were just as worried as him.

"I can't believe it." Kate then said.

"How did she act? Has she totally lost it? Is she after us? Maybe she is blaming us after all. Has she killed herself?" McGee wondered. They had to find out in which state she was and what her goal was.

"I don't know. Maybe but probably she is just hiding somewhere. We need to find out where." Gibbs answered. He knew he just lied to them now but it was needed this time.

The plea of help from his source had done something to him. He had known about this for five days and hoped CIA wouldn't ask them for help but today they did. Gibbs knew that after solving this case things wouldn't be better. He wondered why he even bothered. Maybe he didn't love it anymore? Maybe it was time to retire and have a less stressful job the last years before his retirement.

………………….After work in Gibbs' home…………………..

Gibbs came home and expected her to watch TV or something but it was so quiet and no lamp was turned on. He checked the living room, kitchen and the rest of the ground floor. When he didn't find her he went upstairs but there was no trace of her there either. There was only one place left and that was the basement. He went down the stairs to the basement. Gibbs hoped she was there because he feared what would happen if she had run away again.

"So what really happened?" Gibbs asked when he saw her. Ellie sat down in the basement curled up in a corner just staring at the boat. Gibbs knew how lost felt and how much she had lost already. He couldn't help but to feel she had lost something else during the hiding in the witness protection programme. He wanted to know what it was.

"You're late…I said you could call and leave a message if you were going to be late…I hate not knowing and be scared every second. I've had enough of it already." Ellie explained.

"I'm going to call. Maybe you can call me instead since I'm always busy and keep forgetting. Just say another name. No one will know. They don't trace incoming calls if not necessary." Gibbs explained.

"I thought about that but I was afraid to ask you. Matilda Miller…If someone by that name calls you then it's me." Ellie explained.

Then Gibbs came closer to her. He turned on the lights and stood right beside her. Ellie looked up.

"What really happened?" Gibbs asked again.

"I don't know…In April one of them who guarded me…John…Well everyone knew about me and my past…He promised to teach me everything I needed to know about a thing. He said that if it wasn't him then no one would do it and that he knew how much I wanted the same life experience as normal people have. He could give me the pleasure I never experienced. The next second we were both in bed. I wanted to do it but a small part of me didn't. It kept going on the weeks he protected me and he said I became better at it. I started to feel worse again in July. I tried to tell him I didn't want to do it anymore. I always felt better when he wasn't on duty. When it was his time guard the house I felt bad and that's how I knew we should stop. Getting orgasms didn't do anything to me. Then he started to talk just like he did in April when he first suggested it and I couldn't say no. The same thing happened again and again. First I said no then he convinced me to say yes and then we did it. The last time we did it I felt so bad that I told him straight after we could never do it again. I really meant it that time and he saw I wasn't kidding. He tried to smooth talk me again but it didn't work. I said no to a second time immediately which he had suggested for old time's sake and then I said it was a no for forever. He got angry and hit me a few times. I smacked him on the cheek and went up from the bed, went away and locked myself in the bathroom. He then left the room and I went back out again and took on my clothes. The next thing I knew three men stood in the living room holding guns. I ran upstairs and found the gun I knew how to shoot. They heard me and one guy ran up the stairs with a gun. I shot him and he tumbled down. That startled the men downstairs and the agents then shot and killed them…That's my story." Ellie told him. It hurt so much to tell Gibbs the truth but it felt good too. She felt vulnerable and like a victim again. She was fed up with feeling like that.

"You can't sit here all the time…The CIA is looking for you and they've asked for NCIS's help to find you too." Gibbs told her. Her story was once again unbelievable he thought but he knew it was the truth. Ellie always said the truth, put others first and hated to hurt people.

"I can't go back. I'm not safe there. For more reasons than one. I'm tired of hiding, being seen as a victim, witness and everything else than me." Ellie told him.

"You need to tell them what really happened. This John guy will get fired and you'll be much more protected." Gibbs tried to explain to her.

"I don't want to be much more protected. Next month I'll turn 28 but according to the CIA I'll be 36 in November. I know I look much older than I am and I've always looked that way but inside I'm not. Don't make me go back there. Please just don't. I know there will be just another lonely CIA agent fed up with being so far away from his family and friends just because of me. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I'm fed up with it. It's my fault John did what he did. I was weak and wasn't so good at saying no. I wish I hadn't started the affair with John. I was so weak and took advantage of him. I don't understand why I didn't say no in the first place." Ellie said now looking on the floor.

"It's not your fault. It's John's fault. He took advantage of you and your situation. Tomorrow I'm going to Washington to talk with CIA. I'm not going to tell them where you are but I need to find out what they know. I'll be home pretty late but I hope everything I bought yesterday will be enough for you." Gibbs told her. Then he bent down to be at her level.

"Just tell me when I can tell Kate, Tony and Abby that you're alright. I know they care." Gibbs continued.

"They'll be in danger if they know. You're in danger now." Ellie told him.

"Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself. You can also take care of yourself. You're really strong Ellie. You came all the way here without anyone finding out your route and where you are now. That's pretty good for someone who doesn't work as an agent." Gibbs praised her.

"Maybe it is but you don't need to be smart to leave as few trails as possible. It was easy." Ellie told him.

"You're smart. You took your driving license, escaped your protection and came here. I'll call tomorrow if anything new comes up. Now we need to eat and get to sleep. I think the boat wants to be alone for a while." Gibbs said reaching out his hand. Ellie took it and went out.

…………….A few hours later…………

Gibbs stood and worked on his boat. He tried to come up with a plan but his mind had been blank for hours. Working with the boat hadn't helped either. He stopped and decided to go to bed. Tomorrow he was headed to Washington.

Ellie lay in bed thinking about the recent events. She remembered how she stood outside of NCIS on Sunday morning hoping that there was a case they were working on during the weekend. It was around 7 AM and very quiet. She had stood there for an hour and given up hope. She thought she would go somewhere else because she hadn't the nerve to stay and wait for them today or tomorrow. Slowly she started to walk. She didn't hear the car which came behind her. The car almost hit her and stopped abruptly. A man got out and Ellie turned around to see who it was. It was Gibbs.

"_Ellie…You're alive…I heard what happened…" Gibbs said shocked._

"_I wanted to talk to you but…I didn't think you worked this hour." Ellie replied._

"_I was home when I got a call about what happened to you yesterday so I went to NCIS last night to see what I could do." Gibbs explained._

"_Are the others here?"_

"_No. They're home. I haven't told them what happened to you. It's been a long year for everyone." Gibbs further explained._

"_Can I go home with you?" Ellie asked. She had no way to go._

"_Jump in." Gibbs told her._

Then Ellie closed her eyes and hoped she would fall asleep.

…………………….The next day in Washington…………………..

"So can we talk to the agents who were there when everything happened?" Gibbs asked the person he had an appointment with.

"They are here. You can talk to them for a moment. Agent Craig is here too. The others who were assigned to protect her are working at the moment. We had a rotating schedule for the agents so there were many who had been in the house. Some could be there for a month at a time others only two weeks at a time or one. There is a lot to do but we got many leads and are at least closing in on the terrorist network. We'll make some arrest really soon." The agent said. He was someone with a lot authority Kate and Gibbs noticed. The size of his office was the first indicator and the way he talked the other.

"Can I talk to you alone after we've talked to the agents?" Gibbs asked.

"Yes. Just come back up here. I'll be here all day." The man answered. Then he accompanied them to where the two agents were.

………………………….

"Hi. I'm John Thomas." One agent presented himself.

"I'm Greg Ketter. We protected her when she disappeared." He explained.

Gibbs just stared at John. He was tall and pretty big especially if you compared to Ellie. He just hated him. How could he do that to an innocent person?

"We need to talk to you about Ellie. Did she say something on where she would go?" Kate asked.

"Nothing. She was quiet most of the time. Spent a lot of time in her bedroom. She had TV, computer and bathroom there so she didn't leave her room much. Ellie also listened and danced to music a lot." Greg stated.

"Didn't you check on her often?" Gibbs asked.

"A few times per day. She didn't like when we checked on her." John answered.

Gibbs wondered what he would say if John knew he knew.

"She liked John more for some reason so she wanted him to check on her most often. Sometimes we played games all three. Time went really slow there so we had to do things to make time go faster." Greg explained.

"So when Ellie was up in her room where you together all the time just as when the terrorists tried to kill you?" Gibbs asked.

"We were often in our rooms or in the living room. We didn't want to be around each other all the time because we would get bored then." John replied.

Gibbs knew that he had thought long and hard on what to say so no one would find out what he did. Gibbs wondered if agent Ketter knew what had happened.

"Have you worked together in the house before?" Kate asked.

"I've worked with many agents. Only with agent Thomas for the last two weeks." Agent Ketter answered.

Then they asked more questions but nothing new came out. CIA focused more about finding out who the leaks were and crushing the terrorists so it had been clearer that they wanted NCIS to find her. It seemed that they didn't care and he wondered if agent Thomas had influenced them to think like that.

Agent Craig seemed genuinely worried. It seemed like it hurt him when he heard what agent Ketter and Thomas said. Gibbs felt that he cared but he was married and that is why he had to do everything to show he didn't care. Gibbs felt sorry for agent Craig. He had probably been the only person Ellie had become a bit close to. Then Gibbs left Kate alone because he had to talk to the boss at CIA again. He had thought of something and it would work as long as the boss wasn't one of the leaks.

……………On their way home in the car…………..

"You seemed pretty angry there…What happened?"

"I don't trust agent Thomas." Gibbs answered.

"Why?"

"I know what he did to Ellie."

"How do you know that?"

"I have a source. I'll tell you when I can tell you. I have a plan. Call Abby and tell her that she has to visit us on Monday. She only has to be there for two hours or so." Gibbs ordered Kate.

"Why?" Kate wondered.

"A CIA agent will help us and the agent will come on Monday and stay at NCIS as long as needed." Gibbs answered.

"Is it agent Craig?" Kate wondered. She has noticed they had talked a lot but maybe it was because maybe agent Craig knew her the best and would know where she would hide.

"No. I don't know who it will be. We need to help the agent to find a place to stay and other things. We need to be prepared that he or she might want to go undercover so I thought it would be good if Abby could stop by on Monday and help her assistant." Gibbs lied. He knew who was coming. He had even lied to the CIA boss a bit but it was just so he could get what he wanted which hopefully was also what Ellie wanted. He had to explain to her what he had in plan. Gibbs would also have to explain on Monday to his team what he had planned.

"I know he has a wife and kids but I hope he can come. He knows her the best." Kate stated.

"If we find her I don't think she should meet him. She is fragile and it will only mess her up. I think she would probably feel that CIA agents have messed up her life enough. Agent Craig knows he has to be professional." Gibbs further explained. He had talked to agent Craig before they left Washington.

"Do you know more than I know?" Kate wondered.

"I don't know. I want to be sure but I have some hunches. We'll see on Monday. The CIA will give us some more info then." Gibbs lied again.

……………..At CIA in Washington……………

"Either you confess or it'll get much worse for you." Adam Craig told his colleague John Thomas. His boss and Gibbs had told him what really happened in the house and he was in charge of interrogating agent Thomas. He knew Ellie would never testify against him so if he confessed it would all get easier. A trial would probably be impossible but he could get fired or reassigned to desk duty for the rest of his life. Now he just wished John Thomas would suffer just like Ellie did. Agent Craig wondered if Ellie was still alive. All he knew was that she had contacted Gibbs on Monday but what had she done after that. Had she killed herself?

He wanted to apologize to her. Adam wondered why he hadn't noticed what had been going on the weeks he had worked with John. How could he be so blind?

He also wondered why he felt so strongly for Ellie. Adam had felt this way for months. He then looked at his ring and thought about what it stood for. Then he decided to let go of Ellie and do just as Gibbs told him to do.

Adam watched agent John Thomas.

"She wanted to do it every time. I didn't force her." Agent Thomas defended himself.

Agent Craig knew he would have hit him if their boss wasn't there.

"You used her for your personal needs. Took advantage of a fragile woman. Maybe it isn't rape but it's really close to rape. You hit her and there is no excuse in the world for that. She trusted CIA with her life and you violated it. I can't blame her for running away. One thing I do know is that you're suspended." Agent Craig said.

"You're not my boss." He said angry.

"He's just following my instructions." Their boss then said.

"She's lying if she said I raped her. When I find her I'm going to make her tell the truth if that's the last thing I do. She's going to pay. Big time." Agent Thomas said.

"Was that a death threat?" their boss asked.

"Don't twist my words!" agent Thomas quickly replied. He knew it wouldn't be so hard to make her death look like a suicide.

……………..Another place in Washington………………

"Even hiring hit men didn't work…She's going to hide for the rest of her life if she hasn't already taken her life. We have other things to do but if we by chance find out where she is maybe we can decide what our next move will be. She doesn't know much so why are we wasting time on her?" one terrorist asked.

"Revenge…Right now I'm sick and tired of seeking revenge but we'll see how I feel when she turns up. It's better taking care of our infiltrators than killing her at the moment." The other answered.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. You can give feedback if you want.


	7. Finding out

……………..On Monday……………………

"David was in town yesterday and he saw Gibbs sitting in a café with a woman but he couldn't see who it was." Abby told them.

"He has always been good with women but he doesn't talk so much about them." Tony stated even if everyone already knew this.

"It's good he has someone but I thought he was dating someone else. We met her once and she seemed nice. I wonder what went wrong." Kate wondered.

"What went wrong?" Gibbs asked once again sneaking up on them.

"What went wrong with the protection of Ellie?" Tony quickly said saving them from any embarrassment.

"Great that everyone is here. Everyone has Ducky's report on their desks. I guessed you've filled Tom in on what is happening." Gibbs said to them.

"We have." Kate answered.

"Is the new agent here? I thought you would come with him or her." Tom wondered.

"Her name is Matilda Miller. I sent her to the indoor shooting range while I talked to the director." Gibbs answered.

"So she likes to shoot?" Andy asked.

"Not really but she has a talent for it. She has to train a bit to be as good as you but it's one of her hidden talents." Gibbs explained.

"I thought all agents were good at shooting." Becky wondered.

"She's not an ordinary agent. You'll see." Gibbs said before he went away to get her.

"I wonder what he meant by that." Abby said.

……………….

Gibbs had just informed the director about what was going on. She wasn't so happy about what he had done without her knowledge but CIA paid for this and would do so for the rest of Ellie's life. CIA assured her there wouldn't be any risk for NCIS or Ellie. CIA apparently liked the idea since it cost less than protecting her all the time.

Now Gibbs wished that his agent would be just as accepting as the director. After telling the director about his plan he presented Matilda for her. They hit it off and he knew that with her help it would go quite well.

………………..

The team stood there and watched Gibbs coming. Someone walked behind him but they couldn't really see how she looked like. Then she stepped to the side when Gibbs stopped.

"Ellie!" Abby said very surprised.

"I'm not a CIA agent. I'll be sticking around for a while until I find a job. The safest place to be is here. There is no danger for you or your families. They are closing in on the terrorist network. Several arrests were made this weekend."

"Why isn't CIA protecting you? Why are we?" Kate wondered.

"I'm not under protection anymore, well not literally. I made the choice of being protected this way. It's a long story which I don't want to go into. Gibbs can fill you in later maybe…Right now I'm just here to help you out with paperwork and things like that. I'm not and will not become a NCIS agent. NCIS and CIA are helping me with finding a real job. I need to learn as much as possible about protecting myself so I wanted to do it here." Matilda further explained.

"Couldn't CIA help you do it?" Tony wondered. He and Kate feared that their kids would get kidnapped or even worse maybe killed. They weren't so happy about her being here.

"No."

"I have to be truthful…Everyone here is worried about our safety and our families safety…Right now you're a terrorist magnet." Tony told her. He didn't want to be harsh but he had to be.

"I totally understand how you feel. Not many know I'm still alive or even here. The director said I could work at her office for the time being so we won't see much of each other. I just wanted to inform you." Matilda continued.

Everyone stood there and watched her. She was determined and seemed so strong. A different person all together.

"So should we call you Emma, Ellie or Matilda?" Kate asked.

"Not until everyone who is threatening me are dead or in jail, can I become Emma again. I'm Matilda now but I hope it is the last name change. At least I got my age back. 27 and turning 28 next month. I wish you all the best." Matilda said before leaving the team to go to the director.

"Tony, Abby and I want to talk to you alone right now." Kate demanded. All four of them went to an interrogation room.

"I'm sick of the lies. Tell me the truth now." Kate demanded as soon as the door shut.

"All this was my plan. I knew all along the whole truth. She came to me 8 days ago. Matilda wanted my help and I gave it to her. I know you're not happy about it but it is for the best. She hasn't been happier." Gibbs assured them and defended himself.

"You should have told us sooner! I don't understand why she is suddenly our responsibility." Abby told him. She was a bit upset but not as upset as Kate and Tony.

"Are you sure you can handle the whole truth? I know how you'll react if I tell you. You'll become silent and while hide your true feelings for me. Right now you're telling me how you feel but you'll never complain again if I tell you the truth. The truth is often so painful that you can understand why people are willing to go to such lengths to hide it." Gibbs explained to them.

"Nothing you say will surprise us anymore. What could have happened to her except for the shooting in the house? She was well protected." Tony stated. He was so tired of the lies and sneaking around.

"Not as protected as you would have thought…One of the CIA agents had sex with her for months but I call it rape even if she said yes in the beginning…He took advantage of her, convinced her to have sex with him. The last month she didn't want to do it anymore but he didn't accept a no. After the last time they did it she said she refused to do it anymore and he had to accept that. He wanted to do it one last time for old time's sake but she refused. He then hit her several times. She ran and looked herself in the bedroom. When he left the bedroom she put on her clothes. She decided to go down to the living room where both agents were. Then the three hit men came in and you know the rest…Setting her free was the best thing I could do. She is hurting a lot but stronger too. Matilda is even starting with therapy again today. We hope that we'll find a place for her to work at. She will probably only stay here at NCIS this week. Then she can move out from my home to her own place and have her own job somewhere else." Gibbs explained to them.

"Kate, we are always threatened by terrorists…Maybe having her here will be an asset. If the director wants her to keep on working there but not with us then I think I can accept that." Tony told everyone. His statement quite surprised everyone else.

"Me too." Abby then said.

"I can get used to the idea. I guess we owe her an apology." Kate then said.

"There is one more thing. Kate I know you suspected agent Adam Craig felt quite strong for Ellie. I told him to let go and he did. He doesn't know she is still alive or where she is. I've talked to Matilda about it too. She would never be with a man who already was in a relationship with someone else. She has high morals." Gibbs explained to her.

"It's confusing with all these names. I can't wait until we can call her Emma again." Tony told them.

"Me either. I just hope Matilda will meet someone and have kids. Her dreams should come true. Maybe we can help her." Kate then said.

"I don't think matchmaking is our skill." Abby told her.

…………………….

That didn't stop Kate. Sometimes she got a gut feeling about something and she knew she had to research something. Did something other than hugs happen between Adam and Ellie/Matilda/Emma? Why would he act so emotional if something hadn't happened? Why would he show it so much since he was still married?

It took only one hour until she had found out why Adam had acted like he had.


	8. Open fire

………………….Monday 19th of August………..

"Kate…I got a call from agent Craig on Saturday. He said you've called him twice." Gibbs wondered.

"Yeah…So what did he want?" Kate asked.

"He wondered if we had found Matilda. I said we were still working on it. I'm glad you didn't tell him the truth." Gibbs said to her. He wanted as few as possible to know about her.

"He isn't married. He puts on his ring from time to time because he has a hard time letting go. He's been divorced for a year and has two stepdaughters who are 9 and 10. Adam told me that during the periods where he don't feel like dating it feels good just to put on the ring. Nothing happened between him and Matilda. They just talked a lot. Adam and his ex-wife separated two years ago and ever since he's been fighting with his ex so he could at least meet his stepdaughters twice a month." Kate explained.

"So what you're really meaning is that you want me to tell him the truth so they can date." Gibbs told her. He knew where she was going with this.

"I asked him if he would date her but he said no. His ex-wife just agreed on letting the kids live with him for the time being. Adam feels responsible for the children since he practically raised them for the last five years. His ex-wife has some trouble so he wants to take care of his daughters. It's been quite difficult since the biological father still has his rights but he has lived on the other side of the country since him and his ex-wife split when the youngest was just one month old. He barely visits them and calls once in a while. Adam is fighting in court on getting custody and now it looks like he'll get it so that's why his wife let the kids live with him. The kids had always wanted to live with him." Kate further explained.

"I'm not stupid…You want me to see that he's perfect for her. I won't change my mind." Gibbs told her.

"Rule no 12 doesn't apply here." Kate argued.

"It's not up to you to decide. It's at least close to no 12 but I have other reasons for my decision. Things are really going well for Matilda. We shouldn't shake things up." Gibbs continued.

"Well I don't see Matilda moving from here and Adam and the kids moving from Washington so I guess you're right. Someone else is probably her Mr Right." Kate said but she wasn't about to give up yet.

………………………..

Matilda left the building for her lunch break. When she just got out she saw a man standing there just staring at her. She didn't know what to do. Go back didn't seem like an option but staying didn't seem so good either. The man went up to her.

"I knew you weren't dead. I almost lost my job because of you. We need to talk so you're coming with me." John said to her. He had a very threatening tone and Matilda guessed he had his gun on him. She didn't want to risk anything.

……………..Two hours later………….

"Have you seen Matilda?" the director asked Gibbs.

"No. Isn't she working?" Gibbs asked.

"She went on lunch two hours ago but never came back. She isn't answering her phone."

When he heard the last part he got worried.

"Christina and Sarah, please be nice here. It's just as CIA." Adam said to his girls.

Gibbs recognised his voice.

"What are you doing here?" Kate asked surprised.

"It's been too quiet and you've called me for a reason." Adam answered.

"Who is he?" the director asked.

"This is Adam Craig and his daughters. He's looking for Matilda." Kate replied.

"I thought it was a secret." The director said surprised that Kate talked about it so openly with a stranger.

"She changed her name again to Matilda Miller. We wanted as few as possible to know so she would be safe. Now she didn't come back from her lunch break." Gibbs told them.

"We need to find her. I want to talk to her." Adam told them.

"I think something has happened to her." Gibbs told him.

"John was let out of custody this weekend. I'm sure he went after her. That's why I came. I wanted to find her before he did. You were working on the case." Adam said to him.

"So of course this would be the first place for him to come. If he took her then I don't know where he could have taken her. Is he dangerous?" Gibbs asked.

"He did hit her but I don't know if he's capable to kill her." Adam answered and then he realised the girls were present.

"Girls, why don't we find you a place to be while the grown-ups talk about our job." Adam said to them.

"We know quite much about CIA dad." Christina the oldest girl said. Then she went away with her sister to some chairs further in the office.

"They seem very mature." Kate noticed.

"Emma and I talked a lot about them. They are much like Emma when she was younger. I don't want them to grow up like that. Emma made me want to fight even harder for them and now I've won. My ex-wife's lawyer said today I could get custody while she fixed her life and the judge granted the request." Adam stated.

"Why don't we cut to the chase? What everyone wants to say is that Emma, Ellie or Matilda would probably date you if you asked. Would you ask?" Tony asked Adam.

"I think I would say yes to a date but we live in different cities and I have my daughters to think about." Adam answered.

"At least your ring is off." Tony noticed.

"It's not going to be put on again either." Adam said with a smile which Kate saw.

"So let's trace her phone. If it's on then we can position in which block she is at." Gibbs told them.

…………An hour later…………

Gibbs, Adam, Tony and Kate entered the coffee shop. There were Matilda and John. Matilda saw them and then John noticed them too. The four went up to them.

"He just wanted to talk. I couldn't say no." Matilda answered.

"We're just about finished. I said I'm sorry. I'm going home now." John told them. Then he went up and left the coffee shop quite quickly.

"We got worried." Adam said.

"Don't be. I said I can take care of myself and I did." Matilda told them.

"I got custody over my daughters. They're back at NCIS if you want to meet them. I want to thank you for your encouragement." Adam said to her. He didn't know what else to say.

"I'm glad everything worked out for you." Matilda said not showing any emotion.

"Yeah." Adam said.

"Can Adam and I walk back to NCIS? I think we have a lot to talk about." Matilda wondered.

Gibbs nodded and the two were left alone.

……………..Back at NCIS a few hours later………..

"They look like a family those four." Tony said.

Matilda, Adam and the girls had spent much time together since they came back. No one knew what was said but everyone seemed quite happy.

"I'm going to call Abby and say we did a good job matchmaking." Kate said proudly.

"Adam still likes Matilda despite her past. Not many guys would do that." McGee stated.

"She's become so much stronger." Gibbs said while still looking in his papers.

Matilda was now just any other woman and you couldn't see what she had been through.

…………………

A few minutes later all four of them seemed to be in a very hurry.

"Their mother is dying. She's been in a traffic accident. Thank you for everything you did. God just don't want anything to work out for me." Matilda said in a hurry.

…………..A few hours later………………

"Team, listen up. CIA just called me. They intercepted a call between two people just before they got arrested them. They are after Matilda and hired another hit man. He is headed to my place." Gibbs said worried. He called home.

Matilda was dancing around in the living room and didn't hear both phones.

………….A few minutes later………….

Matilda was home alone. She came home early and Gibbs said he would be working late. Adam and kids had rushed back to Washington. Someone rang on the doorbell. Matilda saw who it was. She opened the door, went out and talked to John. She didn't want to let him in. It wasn't her house and she didn't know how he found out where she lived.

"You didn't think I would let you go that easy!" John said while taking up his gun.

………………

Matilda had put on her gun before she left the house. She didn't feel he could be trusted and she was right.

"Wait. Can't we talk about it?" Matilda suggested.

They started to talk for a while. Matilda sensed he didn't want to hurt her but just get back at her.

Then the team arrived. The slowly went out of the vehicles with their guns.

Matilda had an overview of what happened.

"John…If you drop your weapon they'll let you go." Matilda told him.

He looked at her and then at the team. He knew he was outnumbered and that Matilda didn't care if she died. He dropped it just as Matilda saw a rifle in the window in the house on the other side.

"NCIS get down." Matilda yelled. They all ran around the cars to safety. Shots were fired. When everyone looked up again John was lying on the ground and Matilda gone.

But John wasn't the only one who got hurt.


	9. One step

I'm glad this story has at least one reader. I know it isn't a conventional NCIS story.

Thank you very much **AliasCSINYFriendsER**

Feedbacks mean much and thank you very much for taking your time to read my story and write feedback.

………….A half an hour later……….

Tony went down the stairs to the basement. He turned on the lights and saw someone sitting in a corner just as Gibbs said. He went back up again. Matilda wondered why he didn't go and talk to her. Then she heard the door open again and footsteps on the stairway.

Gibbs went slowly down the stairs. He thought it was just like the other time he had to talk to her.

"Emma, it's over. They will never go after you again. You will never have to change your name again. You can also keep your job at NCIS. Everyone thinks you are doing a great job." Gibbs told her.

"Did John survive?" Emma asked.

"He died. I'm sorry." Gibbs told her.

"Please say to the police that I told him that I would only talk to him if he put down his concealed gun. I don't want them investigate him more. His family doesn't deserve it." Emma asked.

"We've already talked to the police but I'll see what we can do. I can say it was just a misunderstanding." Gibbs continued.

"Who else got hurt?" Emma wondered.

"A bullet went through my arm. It's just a flesh wound but I'm going to the hospital to get it checked out. No one else got hurt. It's truly over. They got the hit man and the terrorists who ordered the hit." Gibbs said to her while he reached out his hand.

"It is over but what will happen next? Will CIA keep on paying for my job? I don't want work to be all my life for the rest of life." Emma told him while she took his hand.

"CIA made a promise and they won't back out of it. Kate and Abby are finished with their matchmaking. Adam's ex-wife died and I know you want to leave them alone. I don't think Adam was the one for you anyway." Gibbs told her.

"It was wishful thinking. I know I shouldn't take the first guy who shows interest but with my background it's hard not to. Eventually I have to tell the truth to every guy I meet and I know it will drive them away." Emma said sadly. She had thought about many things while she sat in the basement.

"The right one won't go away." Gibbs encouraged her.

"Can I follow you to the hospital?" Emma asked.

Gibbs couldn't say no but not yes either. Emma took that as a yes.

…………..A few hours later……….

"He's just fine. He said I could send you home." Someone told Emma. She had decided to stay there until he was let out of the hospital.

"Who are you?" Emma asked.

"Dr Matthew Andersson."

"A Swedish last name." Emma said astonished.

"From my mother. So what's your name?"

"Matilda…Ellie…No, I mean Emma Carlsson."

"You have a Swedish name too." He stated.

"I've only been here a year and a half." Emma told him.

"My mother and I moved here because she married an American. When her marriage failed she decided to stay here anyway. They got a daughter together so we stayed but she always said that she planned to move back and she moved back last year…Now I'm just rambling." The doctor said to her. He got a bit embarrassed.

"No but it doesn't explain why you're name is Matthew. It isn't so common in Sweden. Maybe I shouldn't ask if it's too personal." Emma wondered.

"She loved USA. She married an American and moved here. I guess that is a good enough explanation." Matthew answered.

"I guess it is…If you're married then I shouldn't talk to you." Emma said finally figuring out what they were doing. She was so bad at this. She had never been on a date in her whole life and never ever talked with a guy like this. It must be so dark that he couldn't see how she looked like. She didn't think she was beautiful and her personality had changed so much the last year and it wasn't for the better, Emma thought.

"I'm not married and I've never been married. Just engaged once but it never worked out. I'm just a 33 year old guy searching for Mrs Right. What about you?" He told her.

"Never married or engaged. I'm 28 next month." Emma told him. Then they heard a peep.

"I have to go. So do you work at NCIS?"

"Yes."

"That explains why you had such a hard time saying your name. Many undercover missions then?" He said while he got up.

"You can say so." Emma said while smiling.

……………An hour later…………

"If you're still here when my shift ends then maybe we can get some coffee." A man asked her. Emma didn't recognise the voice but when she looked up she saw it was the doctor from early on.

"I don't drink coffee…I mean yes of course."

"Then you can drink whatever you want." The doctor said amused over her initial answer.

"You have a lot to learn about me." Emma said amused. She wondered if he would react the same way as everyone else when she told him she only drank water, milk and only tea when she was sick. She wasn't a health freak but she thought it was wrong to drink alcohol and coffee. She was glad he could put a smile on her face. Emma couldn't help but to think that was the kind of man she wanted but as soon as she would tell him her past he would run as fast as hell. Right now she tried to block out what would eventually happen in the future. Enjoy the moment as people would say.

…………..A year later, Tuesday the 19th of August 2010……………………..

"It's a big day today. Your one year anniversary." Kate said happy for her friend.

"Don't remind me. Today we're going to celebrate and on this weekend I'm going to tell him the truth. It'll be so hard but he seems so serious about this. I don't want to lead him on anymore." Emma said a bit worried about what would happen to tonight.

"You're not leading him on…How serious do think he is? You were really hesitant when he asked you to move in with him in April… He is madly in love with you." Kate continued. She tried to say the right things but she felt the wrong things came out.

"And it almost crushed his heart when it took me two months to say yes. I have so much to explain to him. He's so patient." Emma said thinking about how great he was.

"He's one of the most patient guys I know. You waited four months to become intimate with him." Kate told her.

"Good thing it is only us here in the interrogation room…Anyway I never told him why we had to wait four months…He doesn't know about my therapy sessions and my past. I wanted to celebrate with him when I didn't need more sessions last month. It's hard not sharing everything with him." Emma said with a little smile.

"I wonder if you are prepared for him popping the question." Kate asked her friend. She worried how Emma would react if he did ask her.

"I'm hoping he won't ask. It'll destroy everything I've planned. I've planned this weekend for two months, since we moved in together. Everything has gone so fast that there was never an opportunity to tell him this in my way. I've met his whole family and he's met mine. We've travelled together and are planning for the future. I've got so carried away." Emma said feeling so guilty.

"It's called happiness. Our break is over. I hope everything will go well tonight." Kate told her. Then they left the room. Gibbs came walking down the hallway.

"Emma, we've been looking for you. They are here now. It seems more serious than we thought." Gibbs told her.

"Emma, what's going on?" Kate said worried. Emma hadn't told her anything about a matter which was serious.

"Major politics…A short version is that what happened to me never got reported to the Swedish government. They are wondering what else the US is hiding and the whole EU is now wondering the same since it could happen to their citizens too. It isn't helping that I'm on CIA's payroll and working here. I didn't want to worry anybody." Emma apologized.

"You can't keep everything a secret. You should tell your friends and Matthew." Kate said to her.

"Tell them for me because this can take a long time…I can't tell Matthew until he knows the background… I have to go." Emma said starting to walk quite fast.

…………………

Kate and Gibbs walked back to the office.

"Hey…We're taking bets on whether Matthew will propose or not. Everyone is guessing yes so it isn't much fun right now." Tony told them since he saw Gibbs seeing him with money in his hand.

"No bets here. I've told you that." Gibbs said before slapping him. Tony put down the money in his drawer.

"I think he'll do that too. I'm just afraid they'll break up this weekend." Kate told them.

"Why?" Abby asked.

"She's going to tell him everything then. Today she is also going to be interviewed by people from our government and EU I think about what has happened to her. She is now major politics. She will probably tell him about that too. Emma wanted me to tell you about today's events. I just want her to have a good life but her life seems always to be extra difficult." Kate said feeling bad for her.

"Matthew is special. He won't leave." Abby said very sure.

"I hope you're right." Kate said sighing.

"Let's go back to work. You're going to talk about this tomorrow too so let's not talk too much about this today." Gibbs told his team.

…………………..The next day………………

"So what happened?" Kate asked as soon as she saw Emma in the morning. She had waited for her call but Emma hadn't called her last night. Kate thought it meant Emma said no.

"I said I needed to think about it. I don't want to say yes until he knows everything." Emma clarified to her.

"Why didn't you start to tell him yesterday?"

"I couldn't…I hurt him too much by just saying what I said. I want to show him every document and the video so he will fully understand. He should know everything before he marries me." Emma continued.

"So if he takes it well you're going to say yes?" Kate asked.

"There is no doubt in my mind." Emma said with a little smile.

"That's great."

"Tell the rest that they'll find out next week if they've won their bets. I have to go." Emma said before hugging her friend. Kate knew she needed a friend right now but also time to think all alone.

………….Friday the 22nd of August……….

"Ok, you said this weekend was very important. I changed my schedule for you so let's start." Matthew said thinking she had planned something special for their one year anniversary. He had planned the actual day and now he was happy Emma had planned the weekend.

"There is something really serious I need to tell you. Several serious things. You should listen and ask when I've explained everything…" Emma said to him. Then she took a deep breathe.

"I can probably not get pregnant and breast feed…I've had several plastic surgeries…I'm going to tell you why and it is a very long story…It will take hours to explain it. It will also explain why my answer was so shady during our one year celebration and why I hesitated moving in with you. I understand if you can't handle it." Emma said to him. Then she started to explain every detail. It was the first time she had done so. Her family and friends outside NCIS never got to hear the whole story. She knew it was too much for them but she had to be truthful to Matthew. Emma didn't want him to throw away his life just because of her.

……………On Saturday……………

The more Emma had explained what had happened to her the more she felt he was pushing her away. She wanted it all to be her imaginary but he hadn't really talked to her all morning just looked at her strangely and saying things like hi and pass me that. While he walked around their apartment in a daze Emma had slowly started to pack her things. She hadn't packed up most of her things because she knew this day would come. Matthew had wondered why but she always excused herself with having no time to do it. She knew now Matthew knew the real reason and didn't want to do anything to stop her. She decided to give him the rest of the day to talk to her. Emma hoped he would take that chance.

…………..On Sunday……………..

Emma moved back to Gibbs. He had an available room and he couldn't say no when she showed up at his doorstep. They didn't say much to each other but Gibbs knew what had happened. He decided to take his responsibility and made some calls.

Emma wondered why she hadn't sub-let her apartment to see if it would work out with Matthew instead of giving it up. Then she would have somewhere to live instead of having to ask her friends for shelter. Now she felt she was back at the same place she was a year ago. Emma wondered if it was her faith to stay at the same place for the rest of her life.

……………..

A while later both Kate and Abby showed up at Gibbs despite both of them having a lot to do. Kate had a month ago just given birth to her third child a son called Michael and this weekend Abby was home alone with James and Ashley. It was understandable Kate had Michael with her and Abby her two kids with her.

"So where is she?" Kate wondered.

"In her usual guestroom…I told her you would come but she said you didn't have to. I know tomorrow she is not going to show what has happened so today is probably the only day to reach her. She has made so much progress and I hate seeing her like this. Despite what happened I can't blame Matt. We all and most of all Emma knew this would happen. We just hoped it wouldn't." Gibbs told them.

"Maybe he needs time to process this. Emma is great at jumping at conclusions and thinking ahead. She's a story writer and I think she had made up her mind that this is how the story goes and she should follow it. Emma doesn't realise that you can't see life as a story. Right now that is Matt's reaction but tomorrow he may have another. I'm positive he'll want her back. Just give him time." Kate told them.

"Keep that positive energy because Emma needs it right now." Abby told her.

Gibbs said he could watch Ashley and James while they went up. He knew Kate would want Michael near since he was so young.

…………..

"Emma…Are you ok?" Abby asked.

"After crying, screaming and dancing while listening to my CDs…I'm quite ok…The breakdown period is over…Now getting over him is another thing." Emma stated.

"Give him time. It's a big thing you told him. Any person would want to get some distance to it before getting close to it and process it. I'm sure he misses you right now." Abby said hopeful.

"I sure didn't see that in his eyes when I said I was going to stay with Gibbs for a while. We had a fight before I left. I said I'm sorry for lying to him. He got mad. We had fights before but not this big. Kids are a big deal and I can't give it to him. He's getting older and doesn't want to wait many years just to have one child and he made it clear he most of all wants a biological child. Right now he is scared that I will lose it any second now and he doesn't want to be married to such a person. Being on his guard all the time. Who can blame him?" Emma continued getting sadder.

"You shouldn't blame yourself for being truthful and for the decisions he will make. You were in the end truthful to yourself. No more hiding and lies. I'm sure he understands you couldn't say it on your first date or later. It was just bad timing that he proposed around the same time you were going to tell him." Kate said wanting her to at least see she did a good thing.

"I feel so bad…I hate hurting people and I hurt him…When he saw the tape he questioned if I really loved him…I didn't know what to say…I'm so bad at explaining love…I feel so guilty that I trust the gut feeling I have in my stomach which says I miss him when he's not near, I want him there when I shed a tear…I love the feelings which appear when he is there to give me a hug or a kiss…He was right when he said I can only be in love with love not a person. I've never felt as unloved as I do now and I still don't know the meaning of love…I hate myself." Emma said now with a few tears running down her cheeks. Abby and Kate sat down beside her on the bed. Michael started to cry.

"I think it's contagious." Kate said with a little smile.

"May I?" Emma asked. Kate handed Michael to her and soon he stopped crying.

"You got it in you. There is no doubt in my mind you'll one day have your four children together with Matthew. You just have to fight for it. You shouldn't have given up that easily. Call him and tell him you love him. He needs to be reminded about that and not the fight." Abby suggested.

"Easily said than done." Emma complained.

"No, it isn't." Kate said handing Emma her phone.

"I'm not stupid. It was he who refused to talk to me. When he's ready he has to call. I've picked up the pieces of my life several times before and I can do it again especially with my friends' help if you want to. I'm strong, independent…" Emma said before Kate interrupted her.

"Caring, loving, strong willed…"

"A mother, a wife, a lover…" Abby finished.

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

Feedback is appreciated. If it wasn't for you **AliasCSINYFriendsER** this chapter wouldn't have come so fast.


	10. A new family

……………..Monday the 25th of August……………..

Emma strolled in like nothing had happened. She was glad she didn't work at the same office as her friends. Working upstairs felt for the first time calming. Yesterday had been just another day in her life. Her worst yet but still half normal. Emma knew she had to be used to it by now.

………….

Her friends watched her when she walked through the far end of the office.

"How is she holding up?" McGee wondered. Ever since he became a father in the beginning of the year he felt sorrier for Emma. He knew what she was missing out on. He could never live without his son.

"She has experience in the field of things going wrong so she is holding up better than I thought but not well either." Tony said not really wanting to speak about it. He had only heard what Kate had told him.

"We need to talk to him. Make him realise that we don't judge Emma through what happened to her but on how she is now." Tony continued

"Will it really work?" McGee wondered.

"She tried that before but his excuse was that we knew her before all this happened. From what I can see she has kept everything which was great with her throughout this whole ordeal and improved herself on the things which she wasn't so good on. It is sad this will haunt her for the rest of her life even though she has tried so hard to move on." Tony then said.

"I'll talk to Matthew if he doesn't come around later in the week. Let's just start to work." Gibbs said silencing everyone. No one knew if he was serious or not. Maybe he just wanted them to be quiet and start work. They had quite much to do especially since Kate was home with the baby and Becky was sick.

"Aren't you going upstairs now for the talk with the ones for the government?" Tony wondered.

"I know, it's today…I don't think what I will say will help them understand why we did as we did with Emma. It won't make her day better." Gibbs said not wanting to go up. He hated this part of his job. Explaining why he did as he did when everyone knows it was the best thing anyone could do at the time.

……………..Wednesday the 27th of August……………

"Do you guys know if Emma is allergic to something?" someone from the director's office came running down asking.

"No, why are you asking?"

"She is having a hard time to breathe. I don't think it's a panic attack and she just threw up in the toilet." He told them.

"I'll go and check on her." Gibbs said worried. He felt that he had to be there for her when Matthew wasn't. He quickly went upstairs.

Was this a physical manifestation of what she was going through? She hadn't been feeling quite well since she had moved in but she had gone to work everyday. Gibbs hadn't a slightest clue on what it could be but it seemed very severe.

Tony wondered if he should go too. He went up and was right behind Gibbs.

…………………

"I've never felt this way before. The EU decided not to go on with my case but to observe what is going on with me. At least I know but I hate it. They are maybe seeing me as a traitor and I love my country. No matter how much I emphasized it they didn't seem to believe it. I think CIA could have done a much better of convincing them. I think they thought my story was too unbelievable." Emma said when Gibbs walked in the ladies room. He saw how she sat down besides a toilet in one of the stalls. Tony walked in too but Emma was too sick to notice.

"Are you alright?" Gibbs asked. She really didn't look so well.

"No but this is probably just temporary. My period is coming soon and I usually feel bad but it's worse this time. I know stress and bad things can do this to people. Just another thing I can put on my list on bad things happening to me." Emma said wiping away some of the things she had just thrown up.

"Considering being pregnant?" Gibbs asked her. He didn't want to be pushy but he had to ask. He wanted to rule that out.

"You're always trying to look for positive things. I hope not because I don't want to force him back. Anyway the chance of that is nil anyway. We used a condom the most of the times anyway and they said it is most likely impossible for me to get pregnant."

"How can they know if you haven't tried to get pregnant…So the times you didn't use a condom?" Gibbs wondered. If she wasn't pregnant then what was happening with her.

"Was because I knew I wouldn't get pregnant and he was so caught up in the moment and I couldn't bare to remind him." Emma said. It never entered her mind that it was something very personal she was talking about. She felt so bad like she could pass out any second now.

"I know you…You always think about others first…So how many times did that happen?" Gibbs asked her.

"I sort of implied I used the pill so he wouldn't feel guilty but I didn't actually say it. I still insisted on a condom every time." Emma defended herself while starting to feel dizzy.

"How many times?" Gibbs asked again. He knew she had sometimes trouble seeing the obvious things when it concerned herself and he wondered if that is why she decided to move in so quickly.

"I'm not pregnant! Today was just hard." Emma said while trying to get up. Then she fainted.

Gibbs said to Tony to call 911.

…………At the hospital………..

"I'm searching for Matthew Andersson." Gibbs asked worried. The doctors didn't know what was wrong with her and she had got worse. He put his last hope to Matthew. Gibbs hoped he would know something which could help her.

"He's with a patient. Who are you?" a nurse asked.

"His girlfriend is really sick and I need to talk to him." Gibbs told them.

"Is Emma sick? He's in room 312." The nurse said to him while showing him where to go.

Gibbs quickly went there. Just then Matthew exited the room with some other people.

"I'll have to go but I'll be back soon…What are you doing here?" Matthew first said to his colleagues and then to Gibbs.

"Let's go to my office. I've already made my decision so why are you here?" Matthew said to him. He knew it was about Emma but why had he come to his work just to make them get back together again.

"We don't have time. I don't care if you want to dump her but she is pretty sick now. The doctors don't know what's wrong with her. I thought she wouldn't keep her medical history a secret for you. Is she allergic to something?" Gibbs asked him.

"Nickel and the ordinary plastic gloves they use in hospital. She told me when we started to date that she took some prescribed pills to prevent a sickness. This weekend she told me she started with them after the kidnapping…I know the name of them but I can't remember…" Matthew said stressed. He wondered why it was so hard for him to come up with the name of the pills and sickness.

"Try to remember…Let's go and talk to her doctors." Gibbs said while they went to the elevator.

………….

Matthew talked with the doctors for a long time Gibbs thought when Matthew came to him. They stood outside her room.

"I told them what might be wrong with her. I really have to go back to work. It's really stressed up there." Matt told him.

Gibbs then understood what his decision was.

"I'll tell her you saved her life. I'm glad she at least told one person about her condition. We don't think less of you because of your decision." Gibbs told him. Despite everything Gibbs knew Matthew was a great person.

"Who said we've broken up? I missed her the second she left but she wanted me to be really sure before I asked her to move back so I knew she wouldn't want to talk to me the first few days. I didn't call because I knew it was what she wanted. The only mistake I did was to not stop her when she decided to leave. I'm only going up because you're here and there is many people I have to save upstairs…I know you think she's perfect but she isn't so good at remembering taking her pills. It is sort of my job to remind her and she forgot to take them with her when she left. I know that if it was the other way around she'll remember every pill I would have to take." Matthew told him.

"That's Emma for you…Then I'll have to say welcome to the family. Anyone who marries someone in NCIS becomes a member of the family." Gibbs said patting him on the back.

"So it's father-in-law then?" Matthew joked.

"Not really." Gibbs said serious but he knew Matthew was just kidding.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

If you can submit reviews it would be really nice.

Did you like the last paragraph with Matthew and Gibbs? I thought it was pretty good.


	11. Gathering a family

A story is like a business. When it is only one person buying objects from the business it's time to shut down.

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

As soon as his shift ended Matthew went down to see Emma. It had been hectic on his ward and he felt guilty over not coming sooner. He knew she was being taken care of and Gibbs was there so it made him feel slightly better.

"So how is she?" Matthew asked Gibbs.

"Better. She woke up and is now sleeping. I didn't tell her about you. I think it's better if you talk to her instead. I think you should also talk to the doctor first. He wanted to talk to you." Gibbs explained to him.

"I will. Thank you for everything you've done. I won't let this happen again." Matthew told him. He wanted to make her better so badly. He didn't want her to spend her birthday in the hospital. Matthew knew how much she disliked hospitals after everything she's been through from the first operation she had as a child to the latest one she had to go through because of the kidnapping. He promised himself to always be there for her. Now he had to tell her. He wished he had the ring on him but as soon as he could he would put it on her.

"You better not. I'll see soon. Everyone is worried so I need to tell them how she is." Gibbs said saying goodbye.

"Bye father-in-law…" Matthew said joking again.

"Another Dinozzo type in the family…The women sure pick them." Gibbs said.

When he turned around he saw most of the family there and he knew they had heard him.

"If you don't want him to slap you, don't say a thing Tony and you too Matt…" Kate warned them. She had seen Gibbs' big eyes when he saw Tony. Tony couldn't help but to burst into laughter but he managed not to say anything. He didn't laugh for long because this was a serious moment because Emma was sick.

"We're here to see how she is. We stopped by your apartment too." Kate told Matt. Then she gave him the rings. Emma had given her friends extra keys because it was good if they had them in case something happens.

"I was just on my way to talk to the doctors. Thank you everyone. I'll be back soon." Matt said to them.

……………..A while later………

The doctors were hopeful about Emma's condition. They thought she would go home in a day or two which would mean she would be home in time for her birthday. The happy news made them all feel better.

Everyone talked and Tony told them all about Emma and Gibbs talked about in the toilet. It seemed quite amusing afterwards. Gibbs then saw why Matthew and Tony had hit it off as soon as they were introduced to each other. As it wasn't enough Tony told him about a house which was on sale in their neighbourhood. When Emma woke up the date of the wedding was soon set. The 6th of June and it is Sweden's national day.

Gibbs wondered how things would be if he hadn't told Matt to send Emma home a year ago.

………….The 5th of September…………..

At first it looked Emma would quickly get better as soon as she got the right medicines but it didn't happen. She never got better so she had to stay at the hospital. Today it was Emma's birthday and she had urged no one to come. Matthew wasn't happy about the situation and how Emma tackled it. He knew she did as she always had done but it wasn't good for her.

Matt knew he hadn't been the perfect fiancé either. He had worked his shifts because everyone had been so hopeful in the beginning and then he continued to do it because Emma said it was better he worked than sat with her doing nothing important. The days he had been off and the time between his shifts he had been with her. It got really hard for him and he knew Emma felt guilty about it. Nothing they could do would make the situation better.

"Matt…Thanks for coming." Emma said to him but it was a little hard for her to say. A few hours ago they suspected she had got an infection so they've started to pump in some medicines against that too. Her previous medicines could conflict with the new ones but the risk were higher if they stopped giving her them. All the doctors could do now was to wait and see. All this was now really taking a toll on Emma.

"You don't have to speak. It's your birthday and I'm going to be here all day. I've taken a few days off so I can be with you." Matt told her.

"Then it must be really serious…" Emma said to him with a low and raspy voice.

"No…It's just because I love you and it's your birthday. You should drink some water." Matt said while holding the cup with a straw in it so she could drink easier.

"I don't celebrate my birthday…You know that." Emma said to him. It was a bit easier to talk after drinking the water.

"It's a silly tradition. I can't believe you've have it for ten years. From today it's going to change. I have a few plans for today." Matthew explained to her. He had wanted to have a party for her but her sickness made her modify his plans.

"No." Emma protested. She hadn't the energy to say more.

"It's nothing extravagant. That isn't until our engagement party." Matt said with a little smile.

Emma looked at him and smiled a little. She had always wanted a reason to celebrate her birthday but in her whole life it was only connected to misery. Today was probably the same but she didn't feel that way. Her reason was sitting beside her and it was the best reason she had had in her whole life. When she saw him she didn't think about the bad things in her life just how great it was to have him. On her previous birthdays she had always thought that her parents wasted money on her which her siblings could do something with so she always wanted money so she could give to them. The same with Christmas presents. When she got older and earned more money she told them not to waste money on her. Presents never were important to her just how people treated her on her birthday. She had never been treated the way she wanted and it led her to stop celebrating her birthday which was the only day she could remotely control. Now she couldn't control it any longer but for the first time she was happy about that fact. Emma knew Matt knew her so well so everything he would do would be just right.

……………

Matt let her fall asleep again so he waited with showing her what he had bought for her. When she woke up again around lunch he decided to give her the presents.

"IKEA is a good Swedish store and I know you miss Sweden and your family. I bought some food from there but they are at home. I personally didn't go as you know but a call, credit card and FedEx you can do a lot. Then I bought two very big cards. One is a get well card and the other one a happy birthday card. Everyone signed them. Your family called as well. They wanted to talk to you but I said they could try again in a few hours. Your other family will stop by after work. My presents are something different. I went and looked at the house near Tony and Kate. I video filmed the house so when you have enough strength maybe you can look at it. I also know that two days ago you asked Kate if it was a good idea of getting married without everyone. You're not dying so please don't talk like that." Matt told her.

"I might be." Emma said to him.

"Then I figured that was what you wished for your birthday. So I still want us to get married in June but to get married as soon as possible. A real wedding then but a small one now. I've got an application for a marriage license so if you sign it now I can drop it off when you sleep. Then when you're feeling better we can get married. No one needs to know. It can be our secret…Just as your medical condition was before."

"No more…Secrets…" Emma told him. She hated secrets since it destroyed people.

"I figured so that's why we're getting married today. I've fixed everything and all they need is your signature. Will you please marry me today?" Matthew said bent down on one knee.

Emma shed a tear. She nodded being so overwhelmed by the attention he gave her and the unique present. Emma had never felt as special as she did now and she was sad she couldn't express it the way she wanted to because she was sick.

Matthew looked in her eyes and wondered if doing it today wasn't as good idea as he first thought it would be. It was her birthday and it should be the only thing celebrated on this day.

"I still want us to celebrate our wedding day on the 6th of June so if we get married tomorrow instead which makes it only nine months away to the wedding it'll be better. I'm sure some from NCIS can come too then. " Matt suggested.

Emma tried to say something but her voice wasn't holding up so well but she managed a little nod.

"I'll be back as soon as I can. I'll swing by NCIS to tell them the good news. Just concentrate on getting well.

…………At NCIS……….

Matt had registered the marriage license and they could get married straight away. He had called the minister who worked at the base and he had promised to perform the ceremony today but he didn't mind rescheduling it to tomorrow. Now Matt was going to tell the rest. He went up to Emma's office to see if the director was there but she was in a meeting. He sat down by Emma's desk and flipped through her schedule. He read what she had done the day she got sick and the two days before that. It struck him they were the three days they were fighting. Was it something there which could give him a clue on what was happening to her? Matt started to read again her plans on the day she got sick.

In the morning she had shooting practise at 7.00 Am to 7.45 AM. She started work at 8 AM before heading down to the team at 9.30. Then the rest of schedule was blank like she had forgotten to write in the things she had planned or done but most likely she started to get really sick. In the afternoon she was rushed in to hospital. He wondered if something happened at NCIS which could have triggered an allergic reaction. Was it something in the work area that day which caused to get sick? He hoped it wasn't because Emma loved working there. If it was then he hoped it was just something temporary.

Matt waited a while longer for the director. When she came out from her meeting he asked her if she could come tomorrow and she said yes. Then he went down to the rest.

……………………..

"So you recall Abby and Emma speaking with each other that day! That's really helpful. Thanks. I'll go talk to her right now…Great that you can come tomorrow, Becky." Matt said to her. Gibbs, McGee and Tony were out in the field so he couldn't talk to them but he asked Becky to pass on the message to them. While Matt waited for the director he decided to call Kate and tell her about tomorrow instead of wasting time. Now he was going to talk to Abby.

………………

"Hi! I'm going to keep it short." Matt said to her. Abby swung on her chair and looked at him.

"Keep what short?" she asked.

"We're getting married tomorrow so if you can come it'll be nice. Some from NCIS and my friends will hopefully be there. Not so many because you can't have a million people in a hospital room but enough…I hope, David and children can come. I thought we could do it in the evening. It will only take five minutes. I told the priest to be there at 7 PM."

"Of course we will come if nothing major happens. Have you told the rest?" Abby wondered.

"I've called Kate and Becky promised to pass on the message to the others since they were out…I have another question for you. I'm trying to figure out what Emma did the day she got sick. I keep thinking it was something in this building which made her sick. I haven't figured it out yet but Becky told me Emma went here to talk to you." Matt stated.

"We were talking…About you actually…I was testing some things when she walked in…She decided to help out so we could talk for a bit longer. I have the special gloves which she needs so she took a pair and started to help out a bit. It couldn't be them anyway. I don't remember anything else." Abby responded.

"Did she say anything about how her shooting went? I saw in her calendar she shot a few rounds that day."

"I would have remembered if she said something unusual happened. For someone who hates weapons she is a damn good shooter. I remember she told me she was really close to her highest score ever. I think the air in the hall bothered her and yes…I remember…It got worse when she was here with me. I don't know why but it did." Abby told him.

"Did she spill something when she was here?"

"No. It went very well. I can't see anything here causing an allergic reaction."

"Unless she is allergic to something else too. Something which is here but possibly at the hospital too." Matt said thinking our loud.

"I can't see what that could be… Metal and oranges…That is what she is allergic to…I have no idea." Abby said to him while looking around the room. She desperately wanted to help Emma but she had no clue to what it could be.

"I have to get back but call me if you come up with something." Matt said before he hugged her goodbye.

………………..At the hospital……….

When Matt came back Emma had just been sent to ICU. Her condition had got worse.

It tore Matt apart to see her so helpless. He wanted to find a cure immediately. Time went so slow when he stood there watching her through the window. They weren't letting anyone in the room in case her immune system was too weak to handle normal germs.

A few hours went by and Kate and Gibbs showed up.

"Thanks for calling us. I can't believe it got worse." Kate told him.

"Me neither. It was so hard calling her sisters telling them what was happening. I'm the doctor I should now what's wrong with her." Matt said feeling so useless.

"We will find out what it is…I called her that morning…Just before 8…I know she wore gloves but the gun is of metal and so are the bullets." Kate started leaving it to Gibbs to finish.

"We thought that maybe a little bit of metal got shipped of and she breathed in it. It's possible."

"I know they've checked her lungs several times. They would have found something by now. Thanks for the suggestion." Matt said sadly. It was a good theory but it wasn't right. It had to be something else.

"Abby has still not found anything from her lab which could have caused this." Gibbs then said.

"She should go home. When Emma gets better we'll find out what caused this. You should go home too." Matt urged them.

"Just call if there is anything. We'll be here tomorrow evening." Kate told Matt.

"Thanks." Matt said still staring through the window at Emma who was unconscious.

……………………………

Matt fell asleep in the waiting room. When he woke up in the morning Abby sat there next to him with some coffee. Matt thought first a nurse woke him up but it was Abby.

"Why are you here?" he wondered.

"Because maybe it isn't only an allergic reaction…First she stopped taking her medicine which her body reacted against, then she touched her gun, the bullets, keys and door handles which are all made of metal…Then she was in the lab where she put on the right gloves but it could have been after first putting on the wrong ones but I'm not sure… I asked Ducky what she could be suffering from and he checked which medicines are related to her medicine and you better tell the doctors to check if it is the combination of medicines which are wrong. He told me it is very rare but some people to react to some things in this way." Abby said giving him a piece of paper with some information. Matt read it and it all seemed to fit Emma's symptoms.

"Did you sit up all night to do this?" Matt asked her.

"We came early to work this morning and decided to see what we could find. It went quite fast. Only two hours. I thought they would believe you if you told them and showed them this than if I told them on the phone and we wanted to see if you thought it could be this before we told her doctors." Abby told her.

…………………….Later in the day………..

Emma woke up after responding to the new treatment immediately. It was like she never had got worse yesterday. The wedding was still on and everyone prepared for it. The hours went by quite fast and suddenly it was 7.07 PM.

"I proudly present to you Mr and Mrs Andersson." The priest said to them. With a quiet cheer everyone cheered them. Around 20 people had shown up but only half of them were allowed in the room for ten minutes. The hospital made an exception for them.

Emma lay in bed feeling much better and everyone was optimistic about her leaving the hospital within a week.

…………………………………Six years down the road………………………………

Tony and Kate got one more child, a daughter names Jacqueline.

Emma and Matt got four children. First a daughter, two years later a son and a year after that another son. Their fourth child was daughter who was born two years after their last son.

……………………………………………………

That was the ending. It's been a rollercoaster writing this which was probably good. I liked how I described Emma in it but maybe the focus on her wasn't so popular. Many stories still get many reviews so there are still people reading NCIS fics just not my fics.

The saying about going out on top really applies in my case because I didn't do it if you at least compare this fic to the last one.

It isn't that easy to come up with new storylines surrounding TATE so maybe I should retire.

I thought the ones who read my stories maybe wanted to know that if there are still people who care.

I want to thank everyone for the support.


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